Are you asking your kids to step up?

by Dr. Deborah Gilboa

We do a lot for our kids, because we love them and often they need us. But we forget that one of the best things we can do for our kids is to help them learn to do for themselves and for others.

Do you ask your kids to do chores, to help out on a regular basis? You would be surprised how many parents – who were raised doing chores – don’t ask the same of their kids.  If you do give them chores, do you sometimes go behind them and redo the work when they’re done? Don’t! If it’s not done right, get your child to fix it.

When I ask why parents don’t give chores or why they don’t challenge their kids with hard things – and I do, all over the world – parents tell me it’s because kids are too… busy! They’re working their tails off on classwork, teams, clubs, groups, trying to excel at 100 different things! So adults are willing to take on every other responsibility in their lives in order to facilitate these goals. And it’s hurting kids.

We drive them everywhere – fewer teens are seeking drivers’ licences each year. We type their work, do their research and try to buy them anything they or we think might possibly increase their success. We solve every problem and bulldoze over every potential obstacle. And kids accept this as the natural order of things.

We are stepping in front of our kids, when in fact we should be stepping back and allowing our kids to step up.

It sounds like tough love, but it’s not. This is parenting. This is making sure that our kids, in just a few short years, don’t still need us to do everything for them. Our kids know that we are expert problem-solvers. Now it’s their turn to step up and learn to help themselves and others.

So how can we let kids step up? Here are a few tips you can try right now with kids of any age.

1. When your child or teen comes to you with a problem, don’t fix it. Say “You’re a good problem-solver. What do you think?” And then listen to the answer.
2. Expect them to fail, and talk about what they’ll do when (not if) that happens.
3. Give them tasks to do that help the whole family (not only themselves) and make sure they do them, until it’s done well. Be patient, but firm.

It’s crucial that you take a step back and let your kids make mistakes and learn from their experiences. You aren’t going to be there in adulthood to clear the obstacles they face or solve the struggles. They eventually will have to make decisions and find solutions on their own and they will be ill-prepared if they weren’t allowed to make those mistakes under supervision while you’re right there to show empathy and give support!

You may be thinking “but what if there’s an emergency and I have to jump in?”  Well, first define emergency.

Two percent of the time, kids need an adult to jump in front of them and solve the problem. They need an adult to protect them from a life-threatening issue that overwhelms their internal resources such as when they experience bullying, mental health issues and eating disorders.

The other ninety-eight percent of the time kids need a compassionate adult to take an interest, from a distance, without fixing anything. So step back so that a child or a young person can step up and handle problems and dilemmas themselves.

(Source: Parentingideas.com.au)

UPCOMING PARENT WEBINAR (FREE)

You can attend our upcoming webinar, Step back so kids step up, at no cost!

About the webinar
Children and teenagers are capable of so much more than they are often given credit for. Closing the expectation gap between what adults believe kids and young adults are capable of, and allowing them to create their own solutions to the challenges they face will greatly impact their resilience, and society as a whole. In this webinar, Dr. G will outline the practicalities of doing that, and the guiding principles that will make it possible.

When
Wednesday 18 September 2019 8:00pm AEST.

Price
This webinar is $37 per person to attend, and is free of charge to families at schools that have a membership.

How parents can redeem the voucher
1. Click this link: https://www.parentingideas.com.au/parent-resources/parent-webinars/webinar-step-back-so-kids-step-up
2. Click ‘Add to cart’
3. Click ‘View cart’
4. Enter the voucher code STEP and click ‘Apply Coupon’ (valid until 18 October 2019). Your discount of $37 will be applied.
5. Click ‘Proceed to checkout’
6. Fill in your account details. These details are used to login to your account and access your parenting material
7. Click ‘Place Order’

"I know I need to slow down if I get in trouble at home for doing things too fast. I used to feel stressed, I would stop and begin again when this happened. I used to feel frustrated with myself, especially when I was doing my homework. I would try to get it done quickly so I could watch Bondi Rescue. I would have to keep re-doing it. My mum would ask me to start again and she would say to me, 'Do a job properly, do a job once', and that's with everything - writing, reading and everything." George 5/6 Red

"I know I need to slow down when it's 8pm and I only just begin think about dinner. Or when I forget to pick up a child from a sporting activity. Or when the bell rings for the end of the school day and I haven't had lunch. Or when my children ask me when I'm going to get off the laptop. I try to take time for myself by going for a walk with a friend, or taking a long shower, or reading or listening to a podcast." Mrs Foley, Classroom Support 

"I know I need to slow down when I forget things. That tells me I need to stop and start again. Usually in the morning, when I need to be somewhere, I put myself under pressure to get there on time but then I forget something and I know I need to slow down." Mr Feerick