Screen rules on playdates and sleepovers can be a sticky situation. Just like each family has different rules for snacks, sleep and swearing, approaches to managing digital devices also vary significantly. Families really differ on their tech rules (if you want to see what sort of digital parent you are, you can take my digital parenting quiz) and tackling these conversations, whether your child is the host, or the guest, can be awkward at times.

Recently, at the end of parent seminars, one of the most frequent questions I’m asked relates to screen rules on playdates and sleepovers. How can parents tackle potentially awkward conversations with other parents, without insulting or offending other parents? How can you protect your family tech policies, whilst not appearing like the fun-police, when you invite other children for a play?

I’m here to say at the outset that there’s no prescriptive, one-size-fits-all approach or solution. There are different factors that you need to consider whether your child is the guest or the host of a playdate or sleepover. So to make this very explicit, I’ve broken this post into two sections: (i) tips for managing screens when your family is hosting a playdate or sleepover; and (ii) tips to tackle tricky tech conversations when your child is the guest at a playdate or sleepover.

Tips for managing screens when your family is hosting a playdate or sleepover

Remember that your family’s tech rules aren’t necessarily the same as other families. Your rules might be more relaxed, or more stringent.  I always suggest to parents to err on the side of caution and assume their rules are more relaxed than other families. If there’s any doubt, or you’re not quite sure what the other family’s rules might be, avoid technology all together.

// Ask upfront

Given that families differ in their approaches to technology rules at home, simply ask your children’s friend’s parents what, if any, screen rules they have. I’ve found that many parents feel relieved that you’ve given the opportunity to openly discuss this issue, rather than putting the onus on them to bring it up. It also opens doors for the conversation to be reciprocated if/when they go to the other child’s house for a playdate or sleepover. Something along the lines of, “Kelly,  just wondering if you have any specific tech rules that I should know about.”

// Ask open-ended but specific questions (it sounds contradictory but it’s not)

Saying to the other parent, “My kids are exhausted and I was planning on putting a movie on after they’ve played soccer. How would you feel if they watch [Insert name of chosen movie]?” Asking more of an open-ended question gives the other parent scope to object (if they feel so inclined), without it being a yes/no answer (i.e. “Is it okay if your kids watch  [Insert name of chosen movie]?”). Be specific with the exact game/app/movie.  Some families may et their kids watch G-rated movies but not MA-rated movies. Some families may let their kids play particular video games, whilst others are contraband.

// Set firm tech boundaries on playdates or sleepovers

I’m certainly not suggesting that you should (I don’t like to ‘should’ on parents) never use screens on playdates, or ban them completely at every sleepover. However, you need to set and communicate your rules to the kids who are attending at the start of the playdate or sleepover. I’m in a unique position, where I’ve heard countless and horrific stories where things go wrong on playdates and sleepovers. I’ve had parents share that their Year 6 daughters saw a live-streaming video of a suicide attempt on a social media feed when a smartphone was pulled out at midnight on a sleepover. I’ve had children who’ve had nightmares for months on end because they played violent video games at playdates. 

I don’t want that to happen on my watch, so I’m happy to have the firm boundaries in place even if that means my house isn’t always the first choice for playdates. (As an aside, many kids are requesting playdates with particular friends, or visiting grandparents because they’ve determined which houses have the more relaxed technology rules.)

// Limit tech time

We need to ensure that our kids and teens still have plenty of tech-free, real face-time and social interaction away from screens. Set up activities and make playdates and sleepovers so much fun that kids aren’t asking for devices. Often, kids have become so habituated that screens are part of a social situation that it’s their default method.

I remember hearing Maggie Dent mention during a seminar that if you make your house the super-fun, screen-free alternative that can be a very appealing alternative. You’re basically finding tech-free alternatives to give kids the dopamine and adrenaline they may be getting from the tech they’d ordinarily be using. Our neighbours have recently made a zipline and the street kids are all flocking to visit. Last summer, we hosted the driveway, after-school cricket matches and I can tell you there were kids everywhere!

For more on this topic, please click on https://drkristygoodwin.com/managing-technology-on-playdates-sleepovers/